Wednesday, November 2, 2011

This is not a frat house, keep your pants on!

Disclaimer - as the admin of this blog I want to allow you a moment of tongue in cheek innkeeping with Agnes. She speaks her mind and no one can corral her. The opinions/commentary posted here do not represent me or any other innkeepers. So take that for what it is worth and to each his own style. She is not trying to be offensive (I don't think) I actually spawned the topic on twitter. -Shellie.

After checking my twitter account I saw some tweets by the innkeeper I call Virginia and it made me wonder "How many people think that staying in a B&B is like staying in someone's house? How many think it is like staying in their own house?"

Don't worry kittens, you can count on me, I am here to set the record straight!!!
Bed and Breakfasts are professional lodging establishments, in this day and age all you need to do is look at their web site, if it is fuzzy and too familiar, move on. By too familiar I mean, what things are you looking at? Photos of their grands and their last vacation? Then guess what kittens, you are staying in someone's home, someone's spare room. Fuzzy can mean goofy junk, things that do not pertain to your stay. Skip those, and peck peck peck on your keyboard until you find something better.

Let me give a little personal testimony here, I am in the middle of a long run of guests, I have had people here day in and day out for over 45 days in a row, most of them decent human beings, the last thing I want is to share my home with you. Now I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but listen up, I will explain further:

A bed and breakfast/inn is choice lodging, which means they host upscale paying guests, not the riff raff at the local roach motel where the men marinate in $5 cologne and the women, well we don't need to go there. The innkeepers do not wish to share rooms with their guests. They have been inspected and are licensed to serve you at their B&B. As much as you relish your privacy, I can guarantee the innkeeper relishes hers ten times more!

So on that note, here are a few rules for you - now I am not saying all of these are from experience here at my inn, but let's just say, they may be. I am not protecting the innocent, as rule breakers are never innocent! Those individuals who lack boundaries should be shown the right path (which might possibly be a short run off a tall cliff!)

This is not a frat house, keep your pants on
Do you want me, Agness walking around half dressed or in MY BATHROBE? Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up, but you can't stop the clock. So do us a favor and either put your clothes on before coming down to coffee, or send your significant other to do the task.

Table manners count
You might enjoy licking the barbeque sauce off your fingers at Billy Bobs Bone Shakin' Ribs, but not at my table. You have a napkin for a reason, no, it is not a hanker-chief. Please abstain from blowing snot into my cloth-napkins.

Breakfast is what breakfast is
You have been given ample opportunities to share your so called "allergies" and disgusts with us, we have asked you what you cannot eat, so when you sit down for breakfast, that is NOT THE TIME to say "I cannot eat eggs!" To quote another innkeeper "Be nice to the person cooking your food." So what should a "good" guest do in this situation? SUCK IT UP BUDDY! Sit there and leave the bloomin' things on your plate, you knew you were having breakfast this morning, did you not?Eggs are what is for breakfast, this is not France or Italy, you will not be given crusty bread and tasty cheese, this is America, and here we eat eggs for breakfast! Got it? GOOD!

Our animals are people too
If you are an avid animal hater, then perhaps you are better off staying in your own kennel, at home, and not telling other people how to live! As innkeepers we often house four legged critters, who many times are a part of our family. I am a single innkeeper and my cat owns half of this estate! That means she is free to move about the cabin, in other words, she is a cat, by golly, she does cat-things, like walk, meow, chew her kibbles and make crunching sounds, this is what cats do! She really was not born into this world to torment you. Got allergies? Take a benadryl, it ain't rocket science you know. Unless of course, you are used to living on the "me" planet where everything revolves around you.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious
Okay so let's clarify this part a little bit. When you stay at a B&B you are not at home, this means wandering around the inn at all hours is not acceptable. Go to your room or go out. Other guests actually like to sleep, as well as the innkeeper who has her room below yours and has been up since the crack of dawn, every day...this month! If you want to talk shout into your mobile phone at 5am, go out to your car! I know it has never once entered your brain that charging up and down the stairs 10 times would bother or disturb anyone, well it does! SO STOP IT! If you have a problem with it, then your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
This is for all of you who think we have cinderella's mice to clean the inn. When people leave, we not only have breakfast to clean up, but every guest room. This does not happen on its own, we have to use elbow grease. What does this mean? This means the check in time you agreed to, the check in time that is on your confirmation? Remember that? You were supposed to print it out and bring it with you, and now it is back in Detroit...well that is the time we are expecting you, not at noon, not at 1pm. After cleaning, after taking reservations and doing all those business management chores, yard work, going to the store and farmer's market to make you a sumptuous meal, buying fresh flowers for your room since you are too cheap to buy them for your lady yourself, all these things take up our day, not to mention the laundry (holy s$!# the laundry!!!) We cannot greet you in our grubby cleaning clothes, please allow us 30 minutes to bathe! Some days we need to sit quietly and close our eyes, to regroup and refresh after the last guest who clogged the toilet with 3 rolls of toiletpaper and never said a word, departed.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer
For those who are shocked to discover some innkeepers have a sense of humor, even when you don't, let me again clarify: This is not our first rodeo, you are not our first guest, not even this week! So when you arrive, check in and look at the stairs and say "Am I supposed to bring my bags up there?" and point, we might have something of a reply. Remember we have been up and down these stairs, every day for weeks. How do you think the stuff UP THERE, GOT UP THERE? THOSE SPECIAL MICE? Does your train of thought have a caboose? Toughen up man, if you packed too much crap, then bring in only what you need. Why is it all of a sudden the innkeepers fault that the room you booked is upstairs? I got news for you buddy, in a two story house the bedrooms are traditionally up stairs, did you think we hid the basement up there?

So kittens, let me finish off by saying, pick your inn wisely, enjoy your stay, and if the sun doesn't shine just right, don't blame the innkeeper. She is doing her job, you aren't doing yours, you are on vacation, lighten up and relax.

Meandering to a different drummer,

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